Chance is a bitch.

September 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

Staring blankly at my screen for 40 minutes was enough to tell me that I should stop trying to think of ways in which my life could be different. I simply cannot fathom it. The way the world appears to me, things could not be better or worse; they simply are as they are at the present. That’s not to say I’m not grateful for the life I have, but I feel that there have been no truly definitive, unique turning points in my life aside from the obvious (being born with plenty or even being born at all and so on). If there is in fact a multiverse, there’s an infinity of myself on some college campus eating, sleeping, blogging, or browsing facebook. Other possibilities are comparable in absurdity to those universes in which I’m trying to kill myself with a stapler.

Challenge accepted.

I’m also not saying I haven’t seen much. I’ve lost a lot of people for whom I cared, all to different degrees. The weirdest cases are the ones you haven’t seen in a while, like my friend Ben. The only way I can describe him is as an all-around solid kid – smart, athletic, sympathetic. We were pals in kindergarten, and after that I’d see him every now and then until one summer when I was about 12. My dad came home and told me we had a funeral to attend over the weekend. Long story short Ben was run over by a Pepsi truck while on vacation… I can say this without hesitation, even throwing in a joke every now and then about how it’s driven me to stick strictly to Coke products. Seven years later, it still hasn’t hit me that the kid’s gone. I know he is, but something in me says I might see him at Publix or at a friend’s house, and he’ll be Ben, only bigger, smarter, and stronger.

Then there’s family and close friends. I shouldn’t downplay it, but the experience is nothing like the media’s portrayal. Kids don’t drop out of high school or becomes criminals just because of a death in the family.  You’re still responsible for your own future and for your own sanity. To be honest, the movie that captures it best is Kick-Ass: “Life just goes on.”

Maybe part of me feels guilty in thinking about an alternate life. All these people I knew could certainly use another shot more than I could. What if the drunkard who drove his lawnmower onto the street causing the Pepsi truck to swerve had decided not to get buzzed? Maybe that’s also why I felt so taken in by “Divided by Infinity.” Aside from the late night lethargy that already leaves me susceptible to the metaphysical, there was something in that story that appealed to me. In that world, your subjective experience of life doesn’t get cut short for trivial reasons. In that world, immortality is subjective. In that world, I wouldn’t have to end this post with the phrase “Chance is a bitch.”

Schuyler

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