Celebrity Jeopardy

November 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

They managed to get something wrong in every case. Apparently they’d picked up some media signal, bounced off satellites into the mirky expanse of space,  because they had all assumed the appearance of Earth celebrities. Their leader walked down the gangplank which had descended from their ship. He appeared–it took me an instant to place the face–to have assumed the physical form of Dennis Kucinich. When he, or it rather, spoke its voice rang out in a deep basso far different from that of the Ohio representative.

“Salutations Groundling.” The alien registered my stare and looked down about itself. Puzzled, it reached its Kucinich hand down to its lapel and fiddled with an American flag pin. After a moment the alien looked up hopefully. It had turned the flag pin upside down. I felt sorry for it so I nodded in encouragement and the alien resumed. “As I am sure you recognize, I have assumed the form of the ultimate and supreme ruler of your race.” The alien gestured broadly, presenting himself. “As you know, we have met with Lord Kucinich. He has informed us of his stature on this rock, and we wish to parlay with him.”

“I’m sorry,” I had to tell it, “But you’ve been tricked.” In my jacket I had a fat cigar, a relic of times long past. I began to thumb a lighter. “This, this fellow… He never ruled much or anything.” I waited for the shock to sink into to his face but my words didn’t seem to register. “Kucinich–he was alive here many, many years ago. He was committed. He, er, he got locked up.” I pantomimed turning a key, stared straight ahead, tossed the key. The alien looked back at his ship, a rather puny affair. Only four engines, basic looking thrusters, tiny, laughable weapons. Behind him stood his mangy gang, all bearing the semblances of twenty first century celebrities. There was a Muggsy Bogues, a Madonna, Scott Baio, Michael Douglas. A Tom Cruise flickered holographically and an instant later his skin was purple. Only Kucinich remained constant. “I’m sorry, my friend. I don’t know what Denny told you, how you met him then, how your got back here.” I exhaled at length and brought my cigar to my mouth, and coaxed a flame from the lighter. “The thing is, you’ve overstayed your welcome already.” With a few deft draws I had the cigar lit up. I turned my back to Kucinich and faced the legions behind me. A thousand men, a thousand mechs, dozens of cannons leveled down towards the ship. This great arena of firepower for one pathetic ship. I smiled and gave the order. “Fire ‘em up, Boys.”

 

-Will Tarnell

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