Someone Who Has Never Seen Star Wars Watches the New Trailer
October 21, 2015 § 2 Comments
Okay, I’ll come clean imediately – I’ve never seen Star Wars. None of them: no original trilogy, no maligned prequels, absolutely none. Yeah, yeah, I know, that’s pretty much blasphemy to an entire generation of people, and I’ll admit it probably seems weird even to those who don’t really care about the movies. Hell, my name is Luke; I should at least have given them a watch.
If I’m being totally honest, my name actually did more to keep me from watching the series than it did to encourage me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been greeted almost daily with a hardy “Luuuuuke, I am your father,” and it became pretty grating after a while. I didn’t watch the movies because, in my eyes, they had wronged me. Petty? Sure, you bet, I won’t deny it. But still, I was committed.
However, with the new Star Wars reboot, I’m slipping a bit. I’ve found a way to test out the series without watching those previous two sworn-off trilogies. I’ll just watch the new movies! Sure, this presents its challenges: there will undoubtedly be allusions to the previous films in the new Star Wars movies, and I won’t be able to understand them. Maybe this should bother me more than it does, but I really don’t mind. I think of it instead as a challenge. A dumb, misguided challenge that I will now share with you all.
“Luke,” you might be saying, “not only are you forcing us to indulge the pointless restrictions you are imposing, the first new film has not yet been released, making the completion of your stupid game actually impossible.” To which I say, yeah, sure, you’re right, but there’s a new trailer out, and that’ll work just fine for me. So watch the trailer (which you can find below this paragraph), and join me as I begin my attempt to watch the new Star Wars movies while remaining purposefully ignorant of the six prior films.
I think the best way to do this will be to talk about various things as they show up in the trailer – I’ll provide a time stamp to go along with my observations.
0:09 – This person looks like a desert Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Definitely a cool aesthetic, though I question whether this is a cross-over the world really needed.
0:18 – Okay, not a ninja turtle; that becomes apparent from distance. Which is a shame really, because those teenaged turtles, for all their boneheaded 90s goofiness, did seem to have a nice little brotherhood going on. This guy, on the other hand, looks really alone, despite his apparent rope climbing skills.
0:22 – Still in the desert, and there’s a soccer ball with a head, and I don’t know why.
0:30 – So…much…plain…never-ending…desert. Can’t you buy some other landscape with your quadrillion dollar budget, J.J. Abrams? Are all Star Wars like this? The set design makes Mad Max look like James Cameron’s Avatar.
0:36 – Okay, a reprieve from the desert. These are stormtroopers, right? I think that’s right. They’ve got to be bad; good guys in these movies never line up in orderly militaristic rows in front of a stage.
0:39 – Hey, they can’t be that bad, that’s John Boyega! Attack the Block was a really cool movie, Mr. Boyega – glad to see things are looking up for you.
0:43 – Spaceship explosions. This is the kind of stuff I was expecting.
0:45 – BACK IN THE DAMN DESERT (but at least Boyega made it out here)
0:52 – I guess they decided to work Magneto into the Star Wars universe. Also, what the hell is going on? Who are all these people, and what do they have to do with one another?
0:58 – This is something I know! Darth Vader! The man who many have claimed is my father, despite my relative confidence that the man who raised me is my father. Well, I mean, this isn’t Darth Vader any more, I suppose, since the mask is looking pretty crispy.
1:04 – Exploding forest! None of this makes sense!
1:08 – Pro: Spaceship fighting Con: BORING DESERT LANDSCAPE
1:15 – Hey, it’s Indiana Jones!
1:20 – Very time warp-y. Very Star Wars.
1:23 – A lightsaber, another thing I know! But why does it look like a crucifix? Is this Christ figure imagery?
1:28 – Oh my God, water does exist in this universe.
1:33 – John Boyega, Star Wars edition: a man of many seemingly unrelated outfits
1:39 – Soccer ball robot sighting, part two. Still confusing
1:40 – I recognize that, too! That robot named… (Google search) R2-D2, of course! See, who needs those previous films – cultural permeation has taught me all I need to know.
1:46 – An anthropomorphic bear! (I know that’s Chewbacca. At least, I think it is.)
1:50 – “Hey, people are getting bored with the desert planet. How about something new?” “How about a snow planet?” “But isn’t that just another uniform and boring world?” “Nah, people will love it.”
1:55 – I see that we’ve reached the trailer’s climax – lots of quick cuts, lots of shooting, lots of me not comprehending.
1:58 – Crucifix-saber guy is not Christ; Christ would never fight John Boyega.
2:04 – This would really excite me if I had seen the previous films, right?
2:14 – Okay, my main conclusive takeaway: either my lack of knowledge about the previous films is a larger problem than I imagined, or this trailer made no sense at all. I’m hoping for the latter, obviously. Regardless of all of my miscomprehension, though, I am now sworn to be at a movie theatre on December 18th, watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Wish me luck.
“Do; there is no try.”
“The Force is strong in this one.”
“With great power comes great responsibility.”
Wait, scratch that last one. That’s Spiderman. Though, if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles crossover doesn’t work out…