Etiquette

October 30, 2015 § Leave a comment

“Your Majesty, have you had a chance to look through the etiquette handbook that the Kadarowo so kindly sent to us?”

“Hmm..I may have flipped through a couple pages.”

“Your Majesty! We are meeting with the Kadarowoan Prime Minister tomorrow! This is the first time that any species from Mars has agreed to make contact with us. If you offend him, the entire race may just decide to ignore us and do business with the Americans instead!”

“The Americans? Heavens forbid… Alright, just give me some of the key pointers so that I don’t have to read through the entire stupid thing. It’s over five hundred pages long!”

“Very well Your Majesty, we can start with the greeting process first. When meeting a Kadarowo for the first time, you must never look him in the eyes.”

“Well where the hell am I supposed to look?”

“At his seventy-fifth ear Your Majesty, it is considered to be polite.”

“How in the world am I supposed to find his seventy-fifth ear?”

“You count, Your Majesty. Using your eyes.”

“Don’t get snarky with me, Oxford. I will exile you to Russia.”

“My apologies, Your Majesty. Moving on, you greet the Kadarowos by rotating your left foot in a counter-clockwise motion in their direction. When exchanging hellos, you must never speak above a whisper. Their hearing is extremely sensitive because of their three-hundred and twenty nine ears.” “When the Kadarowo has acknowledged your presence, you are allowed to grasp his antennae, located next to the fifty-second ear, as a symbol of shared trust and unity.”

“That sounds…oddly sexual, Oxford.”

“Your Majesty, don’t be ridiculous! This is all common Kadarowoan custom. I am told that their dinner parties last for several days because of the introduction process.”

“All right, let’s just finish this. I have a pizza party to attend to at six o’clock.”

“We may now move on to the sacrificing of the turtle.”

“What the- Why would we sacrifice a freaking turtle?”

“Your Majesty, I see that you have not looked through the handbook at all. The Kadarowos believe that every introduction to someone new is considered to be a blessing from their Goddess, Shakira.”

“Shakira? Isn’t that the sing-”

“The name is merely a coincidence, Your Majesty. They thank Shakira by sacrificing in her name her least favorite animal, the turtle.” “After we sacrifice the turtle, we must paint it’s shell with the colors of the Kadarowoan flag: Cerulean, Razzmatazz, Pewter, and Yellow.”

“I don’t even know what a Razzmatazz is, Oxford.”

“After we have painted the turtle, we may move on to the process of ‘The Fire Dance.'”

“Okay Oxford, you know what? This is ridiculous! We don’t need those Kadarowos and their stupid customs; they’re too different from us. Also, it’s 6:10. There’s probably no cheese pizza left. I have to go, Oxford. ”

“Your Majesty! But the Prime Minister-”

“Goodbye Oxford!”


“Hello Mr. President, this is Oxford. Yes, as we expected, the King believed the “Kadarowoan customs” and has run away. You are now free to continue negotiations with the Kadarowoan people. I expect the money we discussed to be deposited into my bank account by the end of this week.” “It was a pleasure working with you, sir.”

-Demosthenes

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