The Worst Science Fiction Story Ever Written
November 6, 2015 § 1 Comment
People spend a lot of time trying to write the best science fiction stories imaginable, and, in the process, they learn about some the genre’s worst tendencies so that those traps can be avoided. Well, for this story, I decided I would use only those terrible clichés and poor plot construction; I have attempted to write the worst science fiction story ever. Talk about the worst things about the story in the comments below.
“Xylberg 27xG45, fetch the high-powered proton blasters! As you already know, the Galactic Empire of Very Bad Lobster People, or, as we commonly call them, the GEVBLoP, are attacking! As you also already know, the GEVBLoP desire our home planet of Base Xylberg 1001×7 for its immense supply of cadmium, which they use to build their Impenetrable Hyperspeed Deathships, and they have come on their last remaining Deathship to kill us all!”
“In Xerox’s name, I did know all of that, but I am even more terrified after hearing you say it, Xylberg YTf789! However, we must nobly fight to defend our home planet, as we are its wittiest and most resourceful inhabitants, and our wily cavalier tactics are this planet’s last hope. Unfortunately, our planet’s government foolishly thinks an entire army is a better method of destroying the GEVBLoP, so we’ll just have to slip under both of their noses – I mean, under their protrusive olfactory organs!”
“Now what’s going on here, you two? As Xylberg 27xG45’s wife and Xylberg YTf789’s sister, I feel I have a right to know what you’re planning.”
“We’re going to kill the GEVBloP!” they shouted in unison.
“Now, that sounds like a terrible idea. What are two young rascals like yourself going to provide that a trained military can’t? The GEVBLoP aren’t even that powerful any longer; everyone thinks we’ll easily destroy them. Besides, I am your beloved wife and your caring sister, and I would appreciate if you would consider the negative ramifications that your foolish and needless deaths might have on my ability to cope with my own continued survival.”
“We have no time for your foolish nagging woman concerns, Xylberg JD78wdd; we have a planet to save!”
And off they took, zooming on their hover bikes through the desert plains of Xylberg 1001×7 that might look to you, dear reader, a lot like parts of New Mexico. They found the super-secret GEVBLoP Deathship landing site, which they had learned about weeks prior during their raid of government headquarters. There, they waited. And waited.
“How did you find out the GEVBLoP were coming right now?” asked Xylberg 27xG45.
“Well, I just got a feeling. Since we are such remarkably adept heroes despite our lowly social position as hover car mechanics, I figured that I should just trust my instinct”
“Good thinking, I bet they’ll show up any second.”
And they did show up in seconds. Many seconds. Like, approximately 345,600 seconds later (about four days, for those counting) – their heroic instincts served them well again! However, during those 345,600 seconds, the military of Xylberg had arrived, somehow having obtained more accurate results than our pair of true heroes. Our heroes had been forced to go into hiding because the government was still upset at them for breaking into headquarters in order to find this location. Near the secret landing pad, there were a couple strange plants that looked a lot like cacti but were purple; the two heroes hid behind these.
When the GEVBLoP arrived, they immediately all emerged from their Deathship. They looked like lobsters, just like them, except maybe they were a little taller. Also, they had bipedal feet. At one point, they had been the most fearsome creatures in the galaxy, but they had inexplicably begun to shrink and now posed little threat to anyone – there entire remaining population had been on that Deathship. However, their reputations preceded them, and the government had come prepared with the Ultra-Destruction Laser, which they quickly began charging up as soon as the GEVBLoP moved off their ship.
Realizing that the entire Deathship was seconds away from being destroyed without the help of our daring duo of heroes, Xylberg YTf789 rushed across the landing pad to the Deathship. The brightness of the charging Laser left everyone momentarily blind, so they could not see him enter the Deathship and assume the captain position. Despite the alien GEVBLoP technology, he was able to fire up the ship within mere seconds and he took off into the sky. A moment later, the laser blasted, ad every invading GEVBLoP was killed.
The General of the military then saw that the Deathship was escaping. “No! Some of the GEVBLoP have escaped,” he said. “We cannot allow these tyrants to terrorize the galaxy any longer! Aim the Laser at the ship!”
Xylberg 27xG45 knew he should attempt to stop them from killing his dear heroic friend, but he couldn’t run out into the open – he would be killed! He could only hope that Xylberg YTf789 was able to escape with the Deathship before the Laser could be charged.
Suddenly, though, another alternative presented itself – the Deathship exploded! The military rejoiced and down-charged the Laser, thrilled that the incredibly short battle was finally over.
Xylberg 27xG45 was devastated. He called his wife Xylberg JD78wdd on his sleek and reliable Nokia Lumia© 635 (available now at a retailer near you) to tell her of her brother’s heroic passing in this great war.
Xylberg JD78wdd teleported to the site the instant she heard of the tragedy, and they embraced, grieving together.
However, the story does not end here! The embracing couple broke apart when they saw something hurtling to them from the sky. Soon, the military too saw this falling object, yet no one could identify it. The military positioned their weapons at it, and Xylberg 27xG45 and Xylberg JD78wdd both watched, mouth agape. Then, it came into view. Miraculously, it was Xylberg YTf789, riding a piece of metal from the destroyed ship!
He managed to land on the torched strip of cadmium and went skidding across the landing pad, sending off dramatic sparks. He stopped right in front of the General.
“Xylberg YTf789, you know how I hate you, and I don’t know how you ended up in that damn ship, but I must say you are now a hero, for you have finished off the final GEVBLoPs.”
Xylberg YTf789 was aware that there had been no GEVBLoP on the ship and that it had only exploded because he had accidentally hit the self-destruct button on board, but he gladly accepted his heroic new status. He then turned to see his sister and his heroic partner, who were excitedly waving at him. He ran to them (imagine this in slow motion), and they all embraced.
Ever since that day, Xylberg YTf789 and Xylberg 27xG45 have been the most respected men in all of Xylberg 1001×7, universally beloved by all, and they never let Xylberg JD78wdd forget about her foolish suggestion that they not enact their master plan, which ended up working exactly as they had anticipated and definitely was not as needlessly dangerous as she made it out to be.